Aro's Advice
by Amarwen
Summary: Aro writes an advice column with the help of a vampire called Amarwen and the Volturi.
1. Chapter 1

**Aro's Advice Column**

**An advice column written by Aro**

**Co. Written by Amarwen**

**Just send or E-mail your questions to Aro and Amarwen and they will answer them. Aro and Amarwen take no responsibility for the injury, sickness or death caused by results.**

Dear Aro

My mothers best friend is a were-wolf and said were-wolf imprinted on me when I was born. I've always seen him as an older brother but I think he might be getting stronger feelings for me. I don't like him like that. What should I do?

Imprinted half-breed

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Imprinted half-breed

Can you say hello to your family for me? Thanks. Anyway, you could tell him how you feel but it would probably hurt him. Or you could get a boy friend. Come and visit us here in Italy. We have lots of males free. It's been 7 years since you were born so you probablylook 14 – 15. Alec was changed when he and Jane were 14. I'm sure he would be interested.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

My wife died many years ago and I can't get over it. Do you have any ideas that would help make me feel happy again?

Sad One

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Sad One a.k.a Marcus

I fear there is little hope for you. You haven't smiled once since Didyme died. You don't even laugh when Jane tortures people. My only advice is distract yourself. Get a hobby. You need to build a bridge and get over it.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

To: almighty-aro at volturi. vampireworld. net

From: shop-till-i-drop at forks. vampireworld. net

Dear Aro

I love shopping! Nearly all I do is shop. But my family doesn't like shopping everyday like I do. Do you know anyone who loves shopping? Or ways to get my family to go shopping with me?

Love Shop Till I Drop

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

To: shop-till-i-drop at forks. vampireworld. net

From: almighty-aro at volturi. vampireworld. net

Dear Alice (yes we all know its you.)

Maybe shop a little less. I hear your wardrobe is like a mall. How do you wear so many clothes? I have know clue how to get your family to shop with you. But I'm sending Heidi over as we speak err, write.

Aro

P.S You sure you don't want to join the Volturi? I'll even let Jasper join. His power would be great help as well.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I'm sad and gloomy all the time and I was wondering if you new any people that could come a cheer me up. Pooh and Tiggerare away and so they can't help.

Eeyore

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Eeyore

My friend Marcus is also really sad. I'll send a plane to pick you up so you and Marcus can be depressed together. The plane should be there in 1 hour. And I think Tigger has somehow ended up here in Volterra. Apparently he is looking for She-tiggers. Pooh is in hiding from Emmett Cullen. You see the Cullen's only drink animal blood and Emmett likes bears blood the best. I have sent my best vampires out to save him.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro and Amarwen

I'm the one ring. I was recently chucked into Mount Doom by a little hobbit called Frodo. I some how ended up here in your book and I need a place to stay. Any ideas?

The One Ring To Rule Them All

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear The One Ring To Rule Them All.

Thank You! Finally someone put my name down. Anywho, back to your problem. Aro says you can't come here as we already have guests and we don'twant you to corrupt their minds. But we have sent Demetri out to find you and give you to the Romanians. Aro says you can corrupt them as much as you like. Stay where you are and don't move.

Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

Please forward this onto Alec.

Alec, I love you! Will you marry me. Please, Please, Please! I watch you all the time. I follow you around everywhere and I have never met a Vampire as perfect as you.

Love Mrs Alec Volturi!

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Alec was to shocked to reply. Aro didn't want to get into this and Amarwen was rolling around laughing so Jane took over the computer._

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi!

Go get a life. Alec's my brother and already likes someone *Cough* Amarwen *Cough*. Following him around is just plain creepy. If you have any form of contact with him I will have Demetri hunt you down and I will show you how powerful my power is. You will have a long slow death.

Jane

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro and Amarwen

In my world we are fighting a war against the evil King, Galbatorix. My dragon, Saphira, and I were wondering if you vampires wanted to help out war.

Eragon and Saphira

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Eragon and Saphira

*Scream!* You're Real! I'm a huge fan. Of course we'll help. At the moment I've sorta taken over the Volturi so they are under my control. I'll round up some Vampires. I wonder if Galbatorix's wards stop vampire teeth. I'd happily drink his blood. Even though I'm like the Cullen's and only drink animal blood. I'll see what I can do.

Amarwen

P.S I can't wait to meet you!

**A.N. Hope you like my fan fic so far. Please review. If anyone wants to send in advice for Aro or me to answer they can. If you already have to answer in mind you can send that in as well. They can be letter looking or E-mail looking. Please try to make them funny. And I would like the names of who they are addressed to and the character who sent it. And they don't have to be from Twilight. They can be from any book you like e.g. Lord of the Rings. They don't have to be to both me and Aro. They can be just to me or just to Aro. Or to any other character like with Mrs Alec Volturi! writing to Alec. If you find any spelling or grammar mistakes tell me. And the E-mails are NOT real.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Aro's advice**

Dear Aro

I have a twin but we don't see each other much anymore. She is always busy torturing other vampires with her power. I miss her. What should I do?

The Forgotten Twin

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Alec, I mean The Forgotten Twin

Why don't you help Jane, I mean your twin, with torturing vampires. You might find you like it. And there are other vampires that you could hang out with. They don't bite... wait they do! Just pretend I didn't write that. But hang out with others if Jane, oops, your sister, is busy.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Submitted by Merina 2

Dear Aro (forward this on to Jane or else...),

Jane, I have heard word of you and your talent and I am writing to ask could we please get together sometime to discuss different torture games? I LOOOOOVE HURTING PEOPLE just like you! I've managed to torture some people into madness and others close to death and I think we'd work so well together! It's so wonderful to find someone who shares my passion!

Love, Bellatrix Lestrange

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Jane pushed Aro away from the laptop and ran out of the room laughing evilly._

Dear Bellatrix Lestrange

I can tell we are going to be good friends. Torturing is so much FUN!!! The only other person I know that liked torturing people, I tortured to death. You're a witch, right? You might want to cast a spell that will stop vampires from drinking your blood. I don't want to lose my new best friend. You serve you know who. Can you get me his autograph? I'm a huge fan! Let's meet up in about 5 hours outside Volterra. I know a town north west of here filled with humans waiting to die! Mwha ha ha ha haaa!!!!!

Love Jane

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro and Amarwen

Why did you have to send that cursed ring to us? It won't stop trying to corrupt our minds. Stefan is trying to melt it but it won't work. We will be sending it to you with a formal letter of complaint. You brought this on yourself.

Lord Vladimir

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Lord Vladimir

This isn't my fault. I only told the one ring to go to you because Aro said he would rip me apart if I didn't. I'd like to stay in one piece Thank. You. Very. Much. Tell Stefan to stop trying to melt the damn ring. It can only be destroyed in Mount Doom. Don't worry about the ring. This morning Aragorn, Frodo and Legolas showed up demanding that we give it to them to destroy. We sent them to your place. I also believe Harry Potter is looking for it. He thinks it's a Horcrux. Don't be surprised if he turns up.

Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Submitted by Merina 2

Dear Aro,  
Uuuhhhhhhhhh I dunno what to do! I love shopping so so so much and I tried to follow your advice but it's not working *sob*! Pleeaaaassseeeeee will you or one of your guard come shopping with me? I could TOTALLY redo your wardrobe - those cloaks are SO out of date! Oh please please please pretty please!  
*heartbreaking Alice pout*

Pleeeaaaassseeeeeeee?

Love, Alice

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Alice

I'm guessing Heidi wasn't much help. Renata keeps complaining about nobody going shopping with her. I'll send her. Renata is packing her bags at this moment. I hope you have room in your wardrobe because Renata probably won't be coming back here for a while with how much she has packed. She even needs Amarwen's help to get it all in. Renata should be there in a few hours. And Amarwen says hi.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I'm King Galbatorix. A group called the Varden is trying to over throw me and I believe your vampires are on their side. I want you to leave the Varden and come and join me. I was told this is because Eragon and Saphira wrote to you. Well I'm also writing to you. I want you to help ME!

Yours sincerely  
King Galbatorix

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear King Galbatorix

I wasn't the one who answered the letter from Eragon so I will hand this over to Amarwen.

_Amarwen comes over a sits on Aro and starts typing._

Hi Galbatorix me buddy, old pal. WE ARE HELPING ERAGON NOT YOU!!! That felt good. It's fun to yell at people. Especially people you hate. Now we are helping Eragon whether you like it or not. And you probably don't like it. We will not help you because I don't like you. If you have issues with that, fine. I'll send over Jane and her new friend Bellatrix Lestrange. They love causing people pain. So you better watch out because we're watching you.

Love Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Submitted by Merina 2

Dear Amarwen and Aro,  
Hiya, my name is like totally Gabriella and I'm like so totally sad cos you see I love this guy called Troooyyyy *swoon* and he's like so totally awesome and when I'm with him it's like in kindergarten, you know *giggle*? And I sooo wanna sing with him! But I dunno if he wants to or not and my friends just keep saying he's "the basketball guy" so I like dunno what to do! You'll help me, won't you? Won't you?  
I'm mean, we're all in this together, right?  
GO WILDCATS!  
Tons of love and hugs and cheesy grins, Gabriella xxx

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Aro's head started hurting because of the over use of "Like" so Amarwen stole the laptop._

Dear Gabriella

Please don't over use the word like. It like hurts like your head like. You get my point. Don't always listen to your friend. She might think she's doing it for the best but it's up to you. Only you know what's best for you. And just ask this Troy to sing. You will never know until you ask. What's the worst that could happen? He says no. It's not like the world will blow up. And if he does say no he isn't worth your time. So I'll like totally like see you later.

Amarwen xxx

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Submitted by phoenix1234flame

Dear Aro and Amarwen,

I LOVE Naruto. It is uber-awesome. But none in my family shares my feelings... sniff. My supermodel wife even crashed my laptop so I couldn't watch Naruto episodes anymore. I hate her for that, yet I love her.

HELP ME!

Huggy-Bears.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Huggy-Bears

Your wife smashed your laptop! That's so mean. But you should still love her. She might have smashed it on accident. We may never know. Just go out and buy a new one. And record Naruto on T.V. Or go over to a friend's house and watch. Be sneaky. How old are you? Your family probably thinks you're too old for that show but if you like it watch it. They should respect your likes and dislikes and not choose them for you. Hope that helps.

Mainly written by Amarwen with help from Aro and Felix.

P.S Felix also likes Naruto. He wants you to come over for a Naruto day.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Submitted by dazzlingsparkling

Amarwen,

Could you please kill my brother Aro for me? He killed me a long, long time ago. Now, the leader of ghosts doesn't let me kill him because it's against the law for the undead to kill other undead. So how about you kill him? I'll send a huge bouquet of flowers, wine and chocolate to you. Oh yeah, could you also tell Marcus that I love him with all my heart and that I'd love to meet him again, and that I can't because the leader of all ghosts doesn't let me? Thanks!

~Didyme the happy ghost

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Aro was angered by this letter and started smashing things and Jane wasn't that happy about someone wanting to kill her master._

Dear Didyme the happy ghost

I can't kill Aro for you sorry. If I did the rest of the Volturi would kill me and this column wouldn't continue. But I know some people that would love to kill him so I'll talk to them for you. Marcus is here reading your letter and if he could cry, the castle would be flooded. He says he loves you too and misses you everyday. His life isn't worth living, err not sure if that's the right word but anyway, his life isn't worth living without you. He sends hugs and kisses.

Amarwen

**A.N. Thank you to all those people that have reviewed and/or PM'd me. I hope to post at least one idea from each person but sorry if I can't, I'll try my best. Amarwen xxx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Aro's Advice**

Submitted by Lacey and Annette

Hey Aro forward this to Alec for me

Dear Alec,

Are you getting creeped out by all the fangirls that are suddenly fascinated with you because of New Moon Movie that's coming out? Because I know I'm getting frustrated and a tiny bit scared. I mean have you seen the 'M' section on FFN about you. Scary stuff.

Lacey and Annette

P.S: No, I'm not in love with you.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Lacey and Annette

Finally someone who isn't drooling over me! Even Amarwen and other girls in the Volturi that I have known for a while have started drooling over me. Yes, it's getting a bit creepy especially with fangirls like Mrs Alec Volturi! But I sort of like it. Normally it's only the Cullen's and Aro, Marcus and Caius that get recognised. It's good to get recognised. But it's not so good when you can't go anywhere because of screaming fangirls. Aro has had to keep me from going on missions because whenever I go out people start screaming at me and blowing my cover. I have read the 'M' section on FFN at I don't want to again. My mind has been scared for the rest of eternity.

Alec

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Submitted by Merina 2

Dear Aro,

I am in the process of destroying *whispers* you...know...who, and I'm desperately in need of help. Do you have any ideas on what happened to the three deathly hallows? I've heard you and your coven have been around since 1000bc, so you're probably a good person to ask!  
Love, The Boy Who Lived, otherwise known as The Chosen One

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear The Boy Who Lived

Have you checked your invisibility cloak lately? Or that snitch that Dumbledore gave you? Or Dumbledore's grave? No? Then go check. And if you want a Horcrux to destroy I believe the One Ring is one. But I don't know for sure. Also stay away from Bellatrix Lestrange. She has become friends with Jane. If they catch you, you and your friends will be in for a long, painful death. And then Jane would probably suck your blood. Do not underestimate Jane. She is one of the most deadly vampires that lived, umm, became undead. That's all I can tell you because the authors of these books don't like it when we communicate but luckily Amarwen, Alec and Santiago found a loop hole. Hope I have helped.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro and Amarwen

I'm in love with a vampire called Edward Cullen but he married this girl called Bella Swan. They also have a daughter called Renesmee. Do you know anyway I could win his heart? I know we belong together. He just can't see it.

From Love Struck

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Love Struck

Edward and Bella are married. You shouldn't break them up. That's just cruel. If you really love him you would be happy that he is happy. He said no to you so he mustn't like you like that. I think I know who you are. And it would also hurt sweet, little Nessie. You're Tanya, aren't you? Well if you try to break Edward and Bella up I will know. I will send the Volturi out after you and you will burn just like your sister Irina. I don't hate you but think about what this would do to the Cullen's. Carlisle and Esme are good friends of mine so if you do anything I will know. Go fall in love with someone else.

Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

To: almight-aro at volturi. vampireworld. net  
From: emotions194 at forks. vampireworld. net

Dear Aro

I drink animal blood and I'm in control of my thirst most of the time. But sometimes I lose control and nearly kill humans. Do you know a way I can keep in control?

Jasper

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

To: emotions194 at forks. vampireworld. net  
From: almighty-aro at volturi. vampireworld. net

Dear Jasper

Just drink human blood.

_Amarwen kicked Aro away from the laptop and replied._

Don't drink human blood. If you give in it will make it harder for you to overcome this in the future. Ask Carlisle how he got over human blood. Don't listen to Aro.

Love Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I am outraged that you continue to support Eragon and Saphira. I want your help now. I have lost many soldiers because of your kind. It doesn't help that my soldiers can't kill your kind. And I don't like how Amarwen addressed me in last letter. I want her to be taught how to behave in front of a king.

Galbatorix

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Galbatorix

I apologies for Amarwen's actions. But I can't force her to do anything. She would make my life harder than it already is. And Alec would kill me because he and Amarwen have become quite close. Then Jane would try to kill me if I hurt Alec. So if I do anything against her I'm dead. When I told her that us vampires were doing a good job of killing your soldiers she started laughing evilly. It's scary; even Jane ran out of the room screaming. Amarwen says "We will not support you even if it means you coming here and trying to kill us. The Varden Rule!"

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Alec

Please don't let Jane torture me. I love you and want to be with you forever. I know you want it too. I see it in your lovely red eyes. Your heart longs for me as mine longs for you. For an undead girl I've never felt so alive.

Love Mrs Alec Volturi!

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi!

WHO ARE YOU!!! Whoever you are I do not love you. I will not meet with you anywhere and I will not marry you. I want you to leave me alone and never talk to me again. If you do I will send Jane after you and I will watch as she tortures you, laughing evilly as you scream in pain.

Alec

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

My world has been ruled by the Shadow Lord for 16 years. My companions, Barda and Jasmine, are helping me find the 7 lost gems from the Belt of Deltora. We are heading towards the Maze of the Beast and I was wondering what was guarding the gem. We have faced danger before but we fear this will be the most dangerous so far. Can you tell us what to expect?

Lief of Del

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Lief

Amarwen tells me that there is a monster that lives in the Maze of the Beast. It is called the Glus. It can't see that well but it finds its prey by feeling the vibrations in the air. It also has great hearing. It shoots tentacles out of its mouth and uses them to smother its prey. Amarwen also tells me it looks like a giant slug. I advise salt and pest killer but I can't guarantee that it will work. This is after all a giant slug and might be immune to these things. Just have them in case. That's all I can do for you. Amarwen says hi.

Aro

**A.N. Thanks everybody for the great ideas, though I would like more. And thanks to all those that have reviewed. You support is what keeps me updating fast. School started again today so I probably won't be able to update more then once every 2 days. Amarwen xxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Aro's Advice**

Dear Amarwen

How were you able to take over the Volturi? They are the most powerful clan in the world. Then you, one vampire girl was able to take over them in less then a day when more powerful vampires have been trying for hundreds of years. I am most interested in how you did it.

Carlisle Cullen

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Carlisle

How are you? I haven't seen you in ages. It was quite easy. Since I am in charge of this fanfic I can make them do whatever I want. But I don't have full control over them. I can't tell them what to think. I'm like their boss: I can tell them what to do but they don't have to like it. I don't force them to do anything but I do treat them when they do what I ask e.g. shiny balls, sports cars and flat screen T.V's.

Love Amarwen

P.S. Can I come visit you and your family soon? I haven't seen you guys in ages. And I hear Alice wants a shopping buddy.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Amarwen

Your advice is the best I've ever seen. How do you always know what to say. I am your biggest fan. Marry me!?!

Love AxA

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear AxA

What's with people asking each others to marry them through this advice column? I'm flattered you like my advice so much but I'm not going to marry you. I get my advice from mine and others life experiences. Sorry again. But you do seem quite sweet. Maybe I'll go on a date with you in the future. But I want to know who you are first.

Love Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

Who flooded the lower levels of the castle? I will kill them! We have had to move guests to the upper floors. And someone was throwing water balloons from the tower. I have had many complaints about people getting wet. I want to get to the bottom of this.

Caius

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Caius

Since Felix and Santiago are missing I have a feeling it was them. The flooding was caused by a busted pipe. I've had people to come into fix it. Guests should be able to move back to their original rooms in about a week.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear my dearest Alec

You denying your love for me must mean you are too shy to admit your true feelings. Don't be shy honey-bun. You having the castle flooded must mean you like water. So do I! Our colour can be blue and our symbol a wave. Want to go swimming with me? You do? Great.

Love Mrs Alec Volturi

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi

_Alec was too shocked to reply to this letter. Please stand by. _

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I've lost my glass slipper and was hoping that you have seen it. I was leaving the ball at midnight when it fell off. My fairy Godmother said you might know where it is. If you find it can you please return it to me?

Lots of love, Cinderella

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Cinderella

No I haven't seen your shoe. But knowing Alice she has it. I'll ask around. I also hear that the prince is looking for you.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

My name's Captain Jack Sparrow. I got told be Bella Swan that you answer questions. I wonder if Bella is related to Elizabeth. My ship 'The Black Pearl' has been stolen again by my traitorous first mate Barbossa. I was wondering if you knew any way I can get it back. Gibbs is drunk on the floor so is little hope for me. And do you know why all the rum has gone? Why is it always gone? I hope this letter gets to you as I have sent it in an empty rum bottle.

Captain Jack Sparrow

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Captain Jack Sparrow

I don't know how to get your ship back apart from killing Barbossa, again. And I don't know why the rum has gone. Did you drink it? If so, there's your answer.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I'm the last Jedi in the galaxy. This is because of my father Darth Vader. Do you know any way I can make him good again? I know that deep down he is a good person. I would ask Yoda but he died a few months ago. Any ideas?

Luke Skywalker

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Sky guy

Say hi to Anakin for me. I haven't seen him in ages. No, I don't know how to make him good again. Amarwen says "I'm sorry about Yoda." Amarwen's sister is a big fan.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro and Amarwen

We are trapped at Helms Deep about to be attacked by thousands of orcs. Some elves have come to help but we are greatly outnumbered. We hear you have been helping Eragon and Saphira and was wondering if you could send some vampires to help us. We have vampires here in Middle Earth but they are much different. They are not as civilised as you are. Please send help as soon as possible.

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli

Vampires are on the way. I have sent about 200 of them. That should do a fair bit of damage. I have asked them to pick up some vampires from your world as Aro is interested in studying them. Hope the battle goes well. Legolas, will you marry me?

Amarwen

**Hi guys. A longer chapter! I have more ideas so hopefully I can put down about 10 letters per chapter. I really need others ideas though. It gets hard writing them all yourself. Not that I'm lazy. But I really like hearing what others think and their ideas. Please your support is what keeps me going. So just click the review button below and I will love you forever. Amarwen xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Aro's Advice**

Dear Aro

The Big Bad Wolf is trying to eat my brothers and me. He huffed and he puffed and blew down the houses made from straw and sticks. What should I build my house of so the Bid Bad Wolf can't blow it over?

The 3rd little pig

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear the 3rd little pig

Try bricks. Sticks and straw aren't that strong. Bricks are much stronger. How are your brothers? Did they get eaten? I know some vampires that drink animal blood. They can help.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro and Amarwen

My wife left me after I said that the dress she was wearing made her look fat. What should I do to get my precious gem back? I love her and she wanted us to be honest to each other.

Broken Heart

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Aro couldn't get to the laptop fast enough so Felix replied to this letter._

Dear Broken Heart

How many times has your wife left you now? You should write a book about how to lose a girl in 10 words or less. Here are some starters:

That dress makes you look fat  
That girl over there is hot  
Your face is shiny  
You're the ugliest girl I've ever seen  
You need to shave  
Is that a pimple?  
It's a good thing love is blind  
Who are you? Do I know you?  
You belong in a mental hospital  
I've got a date with ....... tonight  
Sorry I have mistaken you for someone hot  
I'm not in the mood

Hope these helps.

From Felix

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Alec

Why did you go into shock after my last letter? Was it because you were so happy? If we are going to get married I want us to be happy. I know we are meant for each other. My love for you runs deeper then the deepest blue sea. We should have our honeymoon on the beach. We can play in the waves all day. And don't be late for the wedding. Remember it's at 2pm tomorrow. I'll see your perfect face when I walk down the isle.

Lots of love sweetie

Mrs Alec Volturi

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi

That dress makes you look fat.

With lots of hate, stalker

Alec

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I've lost my son Nemo. We are now travelling to Sydney. I was wondering have you seen him? And where is Sydney? Dori and I have no clue.

Marlin

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Marlin

No I haven't seen Nemo. I was told by a pelican called Nigel that a clown fish called Nemo is living in a fish tank at a dentist surgery. This surgery is in Sydney. And Sydney is on the east coast of Australia. Next time keep an eye on your son.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I heard that the one ring was in your possession so I sent Legolas (an elf), Aragorn (a human) and Gimli (the dwarf) to collect it. They haven't returned and I'm getting worried. Where are they? Have you seen them? Has Aragorn gotten them lost? If you have any news I would like to know immediately.

Gandalf the White

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Gandalf

Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are here. So stop getting your pointy hat in a knot. They came here looking for the one ring and I said it was with others. They went after said others but failed to get the blasted ring. So they are staying here in Volterra. They are going to stay until they get the ring. But don't expect them to come back. Legolas is getting close to Amarwen and I think Alec is about to rip him apart and suck his blood. We all know that Alec likes Amarwen though he doesn't admit to it. And Amarwen fails to see the way he looks at her. Aragorn seems to be getting along well with Demetri. They talk about hunting and tracking and other stuff they both like. They all say hi.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

To: vampire-girl at volturi. vampireworld. net

From: arya_drottningu at the varden. alagaesia

Dear Amarwen

I'm in love with Eragon Shadeslayer and he loves me. But I can't love him because I don't want to distract him from his studies. I can't have him killed because he was spending time with me and not studying. But I also think if he had something worth fighting for he might become stronger. I've flirted with him a few times trying to get my feelings across without being too forward. I'm so confused. What should I do?

Arya

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

To: arya_drottningu at the varden. alagaesia

From: vampire-girl at volturi. vampireworld. net

Dear Arya

How's it going? I haven't seen you since I got those vampires to join the Varden. Tell Eragon and Saphira I said hi. Anyways. Just do what you think is right. I know Eragon will love you no matter what. I can't tell you what way to approach this. But maybe flirt a little more. I know he will like it. Maybe tell Saphira what you are going to do. She might even be able to help. Just ask her not to tell him. That would be embarrassing. Just do what you think is best.

Love Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I've always got fangirls chasing after me and it's getting annoying. I can't do anything without them yelling at me to marry them. I'm happily single. What should I do to stop them? I do have a life. Even here in your world I'm attacked by thousands of girls who can't seem to get enough of me. I want to be left alone.

Legolas

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Legolas

Try sending some of these fangirls off to William Turner. He looks a lot like you. And if you get married the fangirls might go away. Though that hasn't helped Edward Cullen. He was planning on sending some off to Cedric Diggory but he died. Or there is Parris of Troy. He doesn't have any fangirls.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

These two other unicorns want me to go to Candy Mountain with them. I hate these unicorns. Does Candy Mountain exist? What if I see a leopleuradon? What if I have to go over a bridge and get covered in splinters? What will I do if the other unicorns want me to go into Candy Mountain cave? What happens if the 'y' in the word candy randomly starts singing? What will I do if my kidney gets taken.

From Charlie the Unicorn

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Charlie

Just go with these other unicorns. They probably had too much sugar. Or you did? Are you sure this is real? Or did you just go on YouTube and see Charlie the Unicorn 1 and are imagining this?

Aro

**A.N. Sorry I haven't been updating often. I'll try to update more. My mind is in over load. I hate writers block ugh. So just click the little box that has the word review on it. Yes like that. And you can make me a very happy vegemite. Love Amarwen xxx**


	6. Chapter 6

Aro's Advice

Submitted by point

Dear Alec,

Where the hell have you been? Dude our Writer is getting . You're suppose to be her muse and you've missed the last five meetings! Writer's block is about to consume her. Boy you better get your a** back into the story otherwise so help me God I better not have to come and get you.

Yours Truly'

Taken

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Taken

Please don't hurt me! I want to live! I'm sorry! I'll try harder to be in the fanfic more. I've been really busy lately. Aro has sent me on a few missions concerning the one ring. Apparently it likes cheese. God knows why. It doesn't have a mouth. And I have been plotting the death of an elf named Legolas. He has been spending way too much time with Amarwen. She's mine! Oops did I just say that? F***! But it's true. Hopefully she doesn't see this. That would be embarrassing.

Alec

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I've now been dragged by the other two unicorns to take the amulet to the Banana King. I have seen a big 'Z' and have been forced to ride in the "Cho, Cho Shoe". I am now in front of a temple with some strange creature in a hat singing about me putting a banana in my ear to make me feel better. The Bananas were also singing. Why does this always happen to me? And I did see a leopleuradon. I did go to candy mountain, where a "Y" started singing. And my kidney was take. What should I do to stop the madness. Next I'll be taken on an under sea adventure.

Charlie the confused Unicorn

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Charlie

This isn't my fault. Maybe if you weren't so grumpy this wouldn't happen to you. Maybe you should stick a ripe banana in your favorite ear.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Romanian-Vamp-lvr

Dear Aro,

Is it true that you are cheating on your wife for Jane? Does your wife know, if it is true? Do you love Jane? Do you even love Sulpicia?

Love Guru

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Guru

Where did you hear this? I am not screwing Jane. If I was, which I certainly am not, I wouldn't be with Sulpicia. Why would I be with Jane anyway? She is only a C cup, Sulpicia is much larger. And Sulpicia has way more curves. (Jane, hon, if you're reading this I don't mean a word of it, also same time, same place?)

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I am sending this not for advice but as a letter of complaint. I was talking with the fair Lady Amarwen when one of your vampires decided it was a good idea to attack me. I believe it was Alec. I want to know what his problem is! Lady Amarwen isn't his and I only like her as a friend. As a guest I want to feel safe. Please deal with Alec for me because next time this happens he will end up as a pile of ash.

Legolas

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Aro went to have a word with Alec, which will probably involve a lot of pain. Renata found this letter on Aro's desk and decided to reply. _

Dear Legolas

I apologies for Alec's behavior. He normally isn't like this. We, The Volturi, have seen a change in Alec's behavior since Amarwen has arrived. He's very protective of her. Aro has seen Alec's thoughts a few times since she has arrived and I will tell you now you don't want to see his thoughts about her. Aro ended up locking himself in his office for a week trying to burn the images out of his head with acid. We have spared Amarwen by not telling her. She wouldn't be able to face him alone again. Please give Alec a break, this is the first time he has felt like this towards anyone. He is very confused.

Renata

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

To: vampire-girl at volturi. vampireworld. net

From: dark-lord-sauron at mordor. middleearth. com

Dear Amarwen

Have you seen my ring? Apparently your Master, Aro, has been in contact with it. I miss it and I need it to take over the world. But that stupid hobbit Frodo had to throw it into Mount Doom. If you see it could you please send it back to me? If you do you will receive any part of Middle Earth you want and I will give you a lovely ring. How about it?

From the Dark Lord Sauron

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

To: dark-lord-sauron at mordor. middleearth. com

From: vampire-girl at volturi. vampireworld. Net

Dear Sauron

Last I knew the ring was getting hunted by a human, a dwarf and an elf. If I see them I will send them your way. And I like shiny rings. Could it be a light gold with emeralds in the shape of a flower? I'll attach the designs to this e-mail. Thanks. And can I have all the elf realms? That would also be cool.

Amarwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Idea submitted by FASHION -PIXIE ALICE

Dear Aro

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

SpongeBob SquarePants!

Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

Love SpongeBob and Patrick

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear SpongeBob and Patrick

If nautical nonsense be something you wish…

SpongeBob SquarePants!

Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!

SpongeBob Squarepants!

Why do you live in a pineapple?

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

I'm technically dead so I don't know how this is going to get to you but that's not the point. You see I was killed by the Cullen's when I was about to kill Bella Swan. I never got to taste her sweet blood, and I want revenge. My mate Victoria, has also been killed when she was about to kill Bella. And my friend Laurent was killed by the were-wolves when he was about to kill Bella. His mate Irina then was killed by you guys after you couldn't kill the Cullen's which also include Bella. So we are all dead thanks to this one girl and her family. We, the dead, were wondering if you could avenge us.

From James

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Aro couldn't be bothered to reply since only Amarwen knows how to send letters to beyond the grave. _

**Hey guys! Hoped you liked it. I haven't been updating often because of school and I am running out of ideas. NOOO! But please review, tell me what you think and how to make this story better. Love Amarwen xxx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Aro's Advice**

Submitted by Miss Anoni

Dear Aro

I was wondering, what's your favorite human meal?

Love Ronald McDonald.

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Aro is hiding under the desk claiming the clowns are coming to get him. Please stand by._

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Lord Aro

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me

We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho  
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me

We extort, we pilfer, we filch and sack  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho  
Maraude and embezzle and even highjack  
Drink up me hearties yo ho

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me

We kindle and char, inflame and ignite  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho  
We burn up the city, we're really a fright  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho

Captain Jack Sparrow

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Captain Sparrow

We're rascals, scoundrels, villains, and knaves  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho  
We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me

We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho  
Aye, but we're loved by our mums and dads  
Drink up me hearties, yo ho

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear King Aro

My name is Peter, High King Peter of Narnia. My problem is that my sister Susan has developed some feelings for Prince Caspian. I don't want her to have anything to do with that jerk. And all he does is check her out. Do you have any ideas that could stop Caspian from getting near my sister, and I want something that involvs a lot of pain.

High King Peter

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear King Peter

I'm sending some prank Ninjas to help you. They won't only prank them and blame it on the other to get them to hate each other but you can also get a laugh as well.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Alec

My love is that of an ever blooming flower. You are sweeter than sugar. I dream of your perfect body, even though I can't sleep. You are my everything. To the world you are one person, but to me you are the world! And meet me at the throne room in one hour. I have the wedding planner in and I need your advice on the colours. I was thinking silver and white or green and gold.

Love Mrs Alec Volturi

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

_Alec has decided to stop answering Mrs Alec Volturi's letters. He has also gotten Demetri to track her down. We will let you know the outcome soon._

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Aro

You must bring us a shrubbery. A nice one, but not too expensive.

And then, after you've done that, you have to bring us _another _shrubbery and lay it next to the first one, with a little path down the middle to get the two-level effect.

From the Knights that say Ni

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Knights

NI!

From Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

To: almighty-aro at .net

From: shop_till_i_drop at .net

Dear Aro

That's it! All the people that you have sent to be my shopping buddies have run away or tried to kill themselves. I want a shopping buddy who will shop with me! Ooh wait, I can see who you are going to send and they are perfect! Thank you so much!

Alice Cullen

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

To: shop_till_i_drop at .net

From: almighty-aro at .net

Dear Alice

Good I hope you like Sulpicia. She is dying to meet you, (metaphorically not literally.) And why don't you come here. You have probably shopped at every store in the US.

Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

To: unalmighty-aro at volturi. vampireworld. net

From: the-great-stefan at romania. vampireworld. com

To Unalmighty Aro

Go burn in the pits of hell!

The Great Stefan

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

To: stinkhead1 at romania. vampireworld. com

From: is-almighty at volturi. vampireworld. net

Dear Stink Head1

I don't know how this is going to get to you but it will. You must really suck, your .com not .net Ha!

From IS Almighty Aro

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Dear Amarwen

I'm a vampire half breed. My name is Nahuel. I find it hard to fit in with other vampires. I have a few sisters and I know another called Renesmee Cullen, but there aren't many of us. Could you full vampires create some more of us half breeds.

Half breed 51

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Half Breed 51

Us, the volturi, have been experimenting with getting humans pregnant. Each male vampire here has fathered a child. Though there partners were not that happy. So far Afton has two sons, Josh and David. Demetri has two daughters and a son, Asti, Megan and Cameron. Felix has a son and daughter, Myles and Maree. Santiago has one daughter, Hannah. Corin has Twin girls, Tahlia and Parris. He also has two sons, Alix and Tait. And last of all Alec has three sons, Henry, Lucas and Regan, and a daughter, Elspeth. All of the father's mates have warmed to the children quite well and treat them as their own. Only Alec is without a mate but Amarwen is treating them as her own. Only a few of the women survived, but they are now vampires. Their names are Sarah, Kirsty, Bethany, Lauren and Nicole.

Aro

**So did you like it? Love it? Hate it? And just for the record all of the names of the half breeds and the mothers are real people. I'm Elspeth and the rest are people in my class. So Review and make my day! Love Amarwen xxx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Aro's Advice**

**Amarwen: I am so sorry I haven't updated in so long. I've been busy and have been working on my other fanfiction. I promise I will update as much as possible. If you have any ideas please feel free to tell me them.**

Dear Aro

What is the meaning of life?

Some Random Dude

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Some Random Dude

How am I supposed to know?

Aro

- - - - - - -

Dear Jane

What have you found to be the best way to torture people. I'm looking for something different to the normal stuff you see.

Love Bellatrix Lestrange

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Bella

If you want something different you will have to ask Amarwen. She's good at insane and odd. She says try threatening to tie an apple on to someone's head and aim arrows at it and keep shooting till you miss.

Love Jane

- - - - - - -

Dear Amarwen

How's life?

Edward

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Edward

It's a little hard to answer that question as I'm not living. Sorry. I'll let you know when I'm alive.

Amarwen

- - - - - - - -

Dear Aro

Why does Amarwen keep running around with a green lightsaber? And she has been threatening the guard with it. I want you to take it off her as soon as possible. Having an insane vampire with a weapon that can cut through anything is not comforting.

The Volturi Janitor

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mr Janitor

Amarwen got it from those Star Wars characters. I agree with you she is a problem but I can't stop her because if I tried to she would cut of my hands. She says "Damn straight she would."

Aro

- - - - - - - -

Dear Alec

I wish you would stop denying your feelings for me. I'm getting a little tired of chasing after you. But some day you will be mine!

Wuv Mrs Alec Volturi

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Stalker.

What part of leave me alone is so hard to understand!?!?!

Alec

- - - - - - -

Dear Volturi vamps

HI!

From Me

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear me

Umm. Bye?

From the "Volturi Vamps"

- - - - - - -

Dear Alec

I love you

Love Alec Lover

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Alec Lover

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not another one. Go love Felix or someone just leave me alone. *_Goes and hides under his bed*_

With no love Alec

**Amarwen: I know these probably all suck but I wanted to get something up so you wouldn't keep waiting. ****Again I'm so sorry for not updating earlier. So review and ideas please! xoxo**


	9. Chapter 9

**Aro's Advice**

Submitted by GallifreyenCultOfSkaro

Dear Aro,

HELP ME! The Daleks are after me & the Doctor & Amy are trapped on Skaro so they cannot save me! The Daleks want to kill me, what do I do?

~Running4MyLife

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear ~Running4MyLife,

First of all, this is the 11th Docter we are talking about right? I haven't seen him in ages, the last time I saw him he was in his 10th regeneration. How is he? Could you tell him I say hi? Ta. Now to your problem. I suggest run. Run fast. Find a sonic screwdriver, get a TARDIS and think up some brilliant plan, which involves some risk taking, drama and your side winning. And vola! You are as good as the Doctor himself. Hope this helps.

Aro

P.S. Amarwen wants the Doctors autograph and a hair sample so she can clone him.

::::::::

Submitted by Romanian-Vamp-Ivr

Dear Aro,

Could you please pass this over to Caius?

Okay, thank you!

Ahem, Dear Caius,

How on earth did you fall for someone like Athenodora when she is so completely different to you?

Love Guru Returned

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Love Guru Returned

Ever heard the phrase opposites attract? Well they created that phrase around us. Her kindness balances out my wickedness . There is also the fact that she is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good looking ;)

Caius.

::::::::

Submitted by Someone

Dear Amarwen

Did u put down Alec likes u because u thought it would be funny or because u have a huge crush on him. R u the stalker? If u r that would be funny. Well keep writing and I think u should go out with Legolas guy or Eragon they are so much hotter.

From someone

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Someone

Sorry, no spoilers. But I will tell you one thing. There is more than one stalker. I believe they have created a club called ' I Wuv Alec Cwub'. If I was Alec I would stay faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr away from them. And at this point in time, Legolas is looking for a ring (Not sure if he is going to propose to me with it or not) and Eragon is fighting Galbatorix (Who I believe has the ring at the moment).

Amarwen

Submitted by Pretty-Cat25

Dear Aro

You are scared of clowns ha? Me and my clown friends are coming for you.

Love Ronald McDonald and the Clown Group

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear The clowns

I'm going to start running now.

From Aro

::::::::

Dear Alecy

Hey sweet pea. I've missed you babe. I heard there are other people after your cold heart. But I'm glad that you chose me. I've talked to some people and guess what Sugar. We're getting married. The date has been set and everyone invited. All you need to do is turn up looking handsome (which will be easy as you always are) ;)

With lots of hugs and kisses  
Your wife to be

Mrs Alec Volturi

(Can you believe this will be my actual name! I'm so happy)

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi

You can't marry Alec. I am!

From Alec Lover

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi and Alec Lover

He's Mine. Back off all you all burn.

Love Alec 4 Eva

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi, Alec Lover and Alec 4 Eva

Lets us get one thing straight. ALEC WILL NEVER BE YOURS! HE WILL BE MINE! ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!

With love from 3 Alec

:-:-:-:-:-:-:

Dear Mrs Alec Volturi, Alec Lover, Alec 4 Eva and 3 Alec

Alec is in the feeding hall. With no top on. And if he asks it wasn't me. Go get him girls. We will watch and laugh. If only we could eat popcorn.

From Jane and Amarwen

**Sorry it's been so long. I've had a lot on lately. And by a lot I mean A LOT! Anyway. Hope everyone likes the story. Send me any ideas you have. Everything is of use. So review. I've had people ask who are the stalkers. But I'm not going to tell just yet. So have a happy day. Amarwen xoxo**


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